The Death Eaters' Disney World Trip
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Crack fic. Voldemort receives word of a strange Muggle contraption located in America. He and his Death Eaters set out for Disney World, Muggle-style...and end up getting more than they bargained for.
1. Voldemort Finally Lost It

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Disney, Disney World, etc.**

**Chapter One: Voldemort Finally Lost It**

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Voldemort stalked the dark alley out of boredom, looking for Muggles to torture. Ordinary people spend their free time hanging out with friends and playing Quidditch...but Voldemort wasn't ordinary, he was pure EVIL.

Fuming silently at the lack of people to _Crucio, _Voldemort brooded. Potter was safe with his Mudblood relatives, Dumbledore was as powerful as ever, and his Death eaters weren't doing much of importance. Was there ANYTHING that could get a Dark Lord out of a rut? ...Besides drugs.

Conveniently, one Muggle man decided to walk past at that moment. That one Muggle would change Voldemort forever.

Voldemort swished his wand lazily. "_Crucio!" _The man collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. The man held up his jerking arms pleadingly. "Please! I haven't even seen my family for one last time! We haven't even gone to Disney World yet!"

Raising nonexistent eyebrows, Voldemort lifted the curse and leered down at the Muggle. "Tell me more about this Disney World..."

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_Two weeks later..._

The Death eaters all remained on their knees as they waited for the Dark Lord to arrive. Severus Snape glanced over the crowd. Among them were Lucius, Narcissa (Who wasn't technically a Death eater), and Draco Malfoy, Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, Peter Pettigrew, Crabbe, Goyle, Fenrir Greyback, and many others. Snape scowled at the excessive amount of dunderheads for a few seconds, and wondered what idiocies the Dark Lord had thought of this time.

In a dramatic fashion, Lord Voldemort/Tom Marvolo Riddle/He-Who-Has-Too-Many-Names, etc., Apparated directly at the head of the group. Wormtail as so startled that he collapsed to the floor.

Voldemort did not even spend time torturing Wormtail. This was odd. Why would Voldemort not take his precious time to torture his followers? His news must be of great importance.

"Welcome, my Death Eaters," his said jovially. This was a new version of frightening. All Death Eaters present shuddered...except for Bellatrix Lestrange, who was practically licking his feet with an obsession. Voldemort ignored her as well. "I have a new mission for you all."

"Kill the Potter brat?" questioned one random Death Eater.

"Attack the Ministry?" chimed in another.

"Well, not really. _Avada Kedavra!"_ Both Death Eaters fell to the floor, dead. Voldemort smiled creepily. "While torturing a Mudblood, I discovered some...useful information about a place called Disney World. It is in America, and I believe it would be fun to take a trip there!"

Underneath his mask, Snape gaped incredulously. Was the Dark Lord on crack?! Not paying attention even the slightest bit to his followers (and one spy), Voldemort clapped his hands together. "Come, let us be off!"

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**Author's Note: And so begins the journey! This was just an explanation chapter. The following chapters will be much more humor and parody, trust me.**


	2. The Highway to Heck

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Disney World, Twilight, Taco Bell, or any of the songs or music artists mentioned in this story.**

**By the way, this story takes place during Half-Blood Prince, but before Dumbledore…you know. It was only a flesh wound! (Sniffs.)**

**Chapter Two: The Highway to Heck**

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Voldemort, Bellatrix, Snape, Lucius, Draco, and all the other Death Eaters piled into the minivans they had…permanently borrowed from the salespeople at a local car dealership.

"Shotgun!" cried Voldemort, taking up the seat. Sighing, Wormtail got into the driver's seat, while the others flung themselves into the back.

After starting the cramped car, the first thing Voldemort did was turn on the radio. "Ooh, I love this song!" he exclaimed. He began banging his head back and forth to the music, dancing like a blind, drunk monkey on crack. If he had turned around, he would have spotted Snape rolling his eyes darkly. But he didn't, and Snape lived to see another day.

"_Every time they turn the light down, just wanna go the extra mile for you! Your public display of affection, ohh, ohh, ohh! Feels like no one else in the room but you!"_

In the very back seat, Lucius Malfoy was having a conversation with his son. At least, he thought Draco was his son. With his rat-like face, though, Wormtail could just as easily be Ferret Boy's father. You never know!

"So, Draco," Lucius said, "I heard about your new addiction."

Draco crossed his arms. "Yeah. So?"

"…Why?"

Confused, Draco glanced at his father. "Why what?"

"Why?! WHY?!"

Narcissa rolled her eyes at her husband. "Draco, your father is addicted to it as well, though several people in this car frown upon it."

"But Narcissa," broke in Lucius, "WHY IS HE ADDICTED TO TWILIGHT?!"

"_GIMME GIMME MORE! GIMME MORE! GIMME GIMME MORE!" _Voldemort could still be heard singing the Britney Spears song.

Narcissa shrugged. "He's just like many other teenage girls these days."

"MY DRACO IS NOT A GIRL!"

"You sure about that?" questioned Fenrir Greyback. "He…or she…looks delicious either way."

"Eww! That sounded so wrong!" moaned Draco.

"And besides," continued Narcissa, ignoring Greyback, "I can easily recall a certain Malfoy being caught inside the drawing room while reading his own copy of Breaking Dawn."

Lucius shrunk into his seat. "I was merely skimming it. Nothing more."

A loud, wet, and disgusting sound vibrated through the air, and shook the car. Voldemort frowned, a look that would cast fear into the hearts of many. "Which one of you underlings farted?"

No one spoke up, which angered Voldemort. "_CRUCIO!" _he cried, pointing his wand at the nearest Death Eater. Goyle rolled back into his seat, writhing and screaming like a whiny girl.

"Feel the burn, lardo!" Bellatrix exclaimed gleefully. The so-called joys of viewing live torture! "My Lord, you are, like, so sexy when you do that! It's so delicious!"

Alarmed, Voldemort cancelled the curse and backed away. How he refrained from killing Bellatrix, no one will ever know. That psycho lady was quite the manipulative stalker.

"Can we blow up Taco Bell?" asked Crabbe.

Furious, Bellatrix jabbed her wand at Crabbe. "How dare you attempt to destroy that sacred place?! _Crucio!" _Oh duh. Voldy kept Bellatrix around because of her dangerous skills with the Cruciatus Curse. Why didn't I think of that?

Agitated, Snape drew his wand and glared at it, desperately desiring to hex someone while protecting his dwindling sanity. It was going to be a long car ride.

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**Thank you for the reviews, everyone! Reviews are like the caffeine of my writing. They get me hyper and excited, along with extreme motivation to do/write something stupid. In this case, stupid is a good thing.**


	3. Voldemort's Luck

**Wolf: I don't own **_**Harry Potter, Twilight, The Notebook, Billy Madison, **_**Disney or Disney World, Pepsi, or any of the songs or music artists in this story.**

**And there will be villain bashing throughout, just to warn you. Also, I am not a Twilight fan. Just wanted to get that out in the open.**

**Chapter Three: Voldemort's Luck**

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Barely avoiding a collision with a large semi truck, Wormtail managed to pull the minivan into a vacant handicap parking spot, beating an old lady. "Eat that, cat lady!" Voldemort cried out the window. The elderly woman retaliated by throwing her half eaten burrito at the Dark Lord. Face splattered with refried beans and guacamole, Voldy's Killing Curse missed the woman's car by mere centimeters. "Blast!" he muttered, as him and his pathetic--I mean evil!--Death Eaters hopped out of the car.

"All right, Lucius, do you have the Mudblood money?" Voldemort asked.

The snotty blond Death Eater nodded. "Yes, my Lord. It's in my robe pockets."

And the bizarrely dressed group headed into the airport. Inside, it was hot, humid, and sweaty. Severus Snape barely suppressed a moan of annoyance. Why did he ever agree to reenter the spying business? ...Besides the whole "It's for Lily's son" thing. Blah, blah, blah.

The receptionist selling tickets was a middle-aged woman, wearing black rimmed glasses and looking bored out of her mind. Lucy-Lu peeked over at her. "Excuse me, Mudbloo--I mean, ma'am? I need to buy twenty plane tickets."

Glancing up, the Muggle receptionist's scowl made Snape proud. "Whatever. Give me a minute, I'm almost done with this chapter." She leafed through a paperback book that a certain someone recognized instantly.

"Oh my Grindewald, is that _The Notebook?" _Voldemort exclaimed eagerly.

"Get lost, you freakish retard!"

This enraged Voldemort. Useful tip: Don't anger a pedophilic, creepy Dark Lord. He jabbed his wand at the lady's face...ignore how strange that sentence sounds.

Sucky Lady (Let's call her that) only raised her eyebrows. "Ooh, how threatening. You're not a wizard, you know?! Idiot!"

"_Avada Kedavra!" _cried Bellatrix, killing Sucky Lady before Voldemort could. "No one insults my Voldy-poo! DIE!"

"Easy, Bella!" Narcissa said, attempting to pull her deranged sister backwards as Bellatrix fired Cruciatus Curses at the receptionist's dead body. Talk about kicking the dead hippogriff. Finally Narcissa, Lucius, Snape, Wormtail, Crabbe, and Goyle all were able to yank Bellatrix away.

Glaring around, Snape spotted a little boy, gaping at them, with ice cream drooping off a cone. One snarling expression from the Half-Blood Prince scared the wiener off. Lucky for him. Snape was still stuck with the swarm of dunderheads.

Strutting up to the next receptionist as if he owned the place, Voldemort grinned, revealing his repulsive yellow teeth and black gums. This guy does NOT have a good dental plan.

Fortunately for this receptionist, Snape made him halt in his tracks. "Perhaps I should do this..."

"What? Oh yes, of course, Severus..." Voldemort hissed back.

Gritting his teeth and cursing Albus Dumbledore, Snape glided up to the receptionist. This one was a man with a receding hairline and a potbelly. _"Imperio!" _Snape muttered. The man was immediately under his control. Standing up from his amazing swivel spinny chair, Chubby Man (Let's call him that) went to retrieve the plane tickets.

"Wow, Uncle Sev, you're a genius! I don't know how anyone else didn't think of that!" cried Draco.

Smirking, Snape snatched the plane tickets out of the man's hand.

Airport security was tight. It was quite fortunate Quirrel hadn't been with the group, or they'd have been bombarded by police, all of them claiming they had spotted a terrorist. Many officials had questions about their odd wardrobe, but they dismissed it immediately Probably just another quirky heavy metal band. I mean, what could they be, evil dark wizards?

Cough, cough.

All in all, the Death Eaters only had to use the Imperius Curse twice and the Killing Curse once to escape this madness. It was a new record for them!

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_A few hours later..._

Boarding the 747, Voldemort and the Death Eaters (I still think that'd be an epic band name) each were seated into luxurious seats. Voldemort, automatically calling a window seat, was right next to Bellatrix. Poor Voldemort...Holy crap, how the heck am I feeling bad for Voldemort?!

Panicked, Voldy attempted to vacate the area, but Bellatrix yanked him into her lap. "How adorable, Voldy-poo! You want to sit on my lap!"

"Bellatrix, I--"

"Shh!" Bellatrix whispered creepily, as she pressed two fingers to his bloodless lips. "Don't talk."

Meanwhile, Draco was taking a seat next to his father. In front of him, a stiff man with a mole on his face and clad in a business suit bemoaned his luck. "Oh great, I got the KID behind me."

Draco sneered. "Oh really? The _kid? _Well, for the next, oh, let's say NINE hours, you're not just a Mudblood, you're MY Mudblood!"

"Language, Draco. Remember, the Mudblood won't be able to comprehend half of our insults," Lucius admonished lightly. Personally, he didn't care if his son insulted Muggles, but he was still ticked about Draco being a Twilight fan. What was he to do?"

Draco lashed out, kicking the Muggle man's seat. Poor guy. In front of Uptight Man (Let's call him that), Goyle shot a spit wad at the filthy Mudblood. "Goyle rules!" he bellowed, pumping his fists into the air.

From his seat next to Wormtail, Snape grit his teeth AGAIN while Wormtail nibbled on the airline peanuts, smacking his lips in pure delight.

Narcissa, on the other hand, was disgusted. "What the Order of the Phoenix is this garbage?"

Voldemort, too, spat out his peanuts in disgust. Disgust for the crappy airline food, and disgust for the fact that he was being humiliated. "I DEMAND better food! OR ELSE!"

The other passengers rolled their eyes, except for the Death eaters. One random follower handed Voldemort his Pepsi. "Thank you!" Voldemort hissed. _"Avada Kedavra!" _The man was blasted off his feet and hit the wall with a thud, cold and dead. But that's slightly redundant. Let's just say dead.

No one truly cared about the corpse not rotting inside their personal space. Wormtail just tossed the body into an airlock and they got on with their lives.

Sipping delicately on his Pepsi and hardly avoiding Bellatrix's tongue (Eww), Voldemort hissed to Nagini, who hung from a cage above his head. "_Nagini, help me!"_

"_Ssssorry, Master, there's nothing I can do. I feel sssso much pity, however."_

Shrieking, Voldemort punched his seat, just as Draco kicked Uptight Man's seat for the umpteenth time. It would be yet another long trip...

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**Wolf: Wow. That was an odd chapter to write. What bizarre obstacles will Voldy and his Spam Eaters (And poor Snape) encounter next? Only time will tell!**

**...That sounded kind of cliché...**

**But anyways, will they meet scary men in animal suits? Dangerous log rides? Extremely long lines? Or perhaps a certain pair of American witches that many of us know quite well? Maybe Draco will develop a stalking problem...Mwuahahaha!**


	4. Welcome to Your Doom, Voldy

**It is time for our favorite (Our least favorite, if you will) Death Eaters to finally arrive at their destination. What awaits them...Will it amuse, enrage, or just terrify the crap out of them? Let's find out!**

**Parseltongue is in **_italics._

**Thoughts are in **_italics._

**I don't own **_**Harry Potter, Pokemon, Charlie the Unicorn, Batman, **_**Disney, Disney World or any of its rides or characters, Facebook, any of songs in this story, or **_**Twilight.**_

**Chapter Four: Welcome to Your Doom, Voldy

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The rest of the plane ride did not include another death. It did, however, result in Draco annoying the man in front of him so much that they both had to be moved and Draco's mouth was covered in duct tape, Snape almost snatching up the butter knife to kill himself with it (But then he remember Lily wouldn't like that very much, so he restrained himself), and Voldemort being scarred for life.

But no one really cared about Voldemort. Except for Bellatrix, who was the one who mentally mauled him in the first place. Poor ugly, bald, creepy, disgusting Dark Lord.

"Lord Voldemort is none of those things!" said Voldemort to no one in particular. Yes, Voldemort could read the narration. Dang. Oh well, it's not like he can curse me, right?

"YOU KNOW I WOULD SO DO THAT IF I HAD THE ABILITY!"

"_Face it, massster," _Nagini hissed. _"You don't have the ability to do much of anything. You were defeated by a one-year-old."_

"I am all-powerful!"

Says the Man Who Let the Boy Live. Anyways...

"I HATE YOU, STUPID NARRATOR!"

That's Miss Stu--I mean Brilliant Narrator to you, Frenchie. Who chooses a French name, anyways?

"URRGGGHHH!"

"What is it, My Lord?" Bellatrix/Stalkertrix asked eagerly. "Shall I kill something for you?"

"No, no, I'm fine! No need to be anywhere near you, thank you very much!" He shook his head and muttered to himself. "In times like these I would prefer Quirrel. Sure, I had to watch him take a dump daily, but at least he was cool!"

"What was that, My Lord?"

"Nothing!"

They were driving in a capacious bus that managed to fit every Death Eater who had come along (They had promptly killed the driver upon boarding. Poor bloke. Gotta hate those Death Eaters). Snape, at the wheel, had the mien of a tortured man, wondering just how the bloody fudge had Dumbledore managed to talk him into this. Bellatrix was hanging on Voldemort, Voldemort was pushing her away, Wormtail was eating something that looked suspiciously like kibble, Yaxley was arguing with Mulciber and Dolohov about ninjas, and Draco was leafing through a copy of _Breaking Dawn _and Lucius was lecturing him about manliness or masculinity or whatever the heck you want to call it.

"It's all about three things," said Lucius to his wayward, creepy son. "First off, it takes a real man to wear tights--"

"Actually," Draco broke in. "it takes a real man to _sparkle."_

"Where in the name of Grindelwald did you get that absurd notion?" Draco held up the novel in his hand. Lucius looked unconvinced. "You will get no ideas from that piece of Mudblood garbage!"

"I disagree with both of you," said Yaxley. "Real men play Pokemon. No doubt about it."

"I love Pokemon!" Goyle exclaimed. "Even though Bulbasaur sounds a lot like Dumbledore."

'WHO DARES TO SAY THAT NAME ON OUR VACATION?!" Voldemort bellowed furiously. He jabbed his wand at Goyle. "Was it you?!"

"It'll never happen again!" Goyle swore.

"IT BETTER NOT!" For good measure, Bellatrix unnecessarily started chanting about burning Goyle. Goyle backed away, looking fearful of the psycho , Goyle, Mulciber, and Dolohov continued a conversation about the coolest and most powerful starter Pokemon in the video games. Snape, still behind the wheel and driving through a highway surrounded by orange groves, he plotted what and how to inform Dumbledore about the current predicament.

_I could send a Patronus,_ _of course, _Snape thought. _But that'll be hard to hide from these dunderheads. Owls will have difficulties flying over the vast ocean...I could just send him updates via Facebook. And then I must remember to delete my activities from He-Who-Has-A-Hyphenated-Name. Yes, and I also must become a fan of hexes and...dolphins and...pastries..._

Voldemort decided to protect himself for Bellatrix and chat with Wormtail instead. For surely Bellatrix would be warded off by Wormtail's revolting stench? And she was. Catching a whiff of the rat Animagus, she backed away swiftly. Voldemort hissed in triumph.

But he had hissed too soon. On their right, a blue and white castle sat, cheerily and outlandishly, in the center of a massive theme park. Everything was brightly colored and full of joy...and joyness! And that was the exact opposite of what any true Death Eater would want. Almost everyone was astonished by what they saw.

"What...What in the name of my twelve Horcruxes is this?!" said Voldemort. Yes, you heard right. Twelve Horcruxes, not six or seven. What a creep. I wonder what the other Horcruxes are?

Anyways.

Voldemort and his Death Eaters (Changed my mind. That's not a cool band name, it's just wrong) clambered off the battered old bus and strode through the park gates, holding the tickets Snape had bought for them. These guys would be nowhere without their bat-like Potions Master. Maybe he's Batman, saving the world from psychotic dunderheads! Even though Batman has no powers and is mega rich. Of course, Severus Snape was cooler than Batman but--Dang it, I'm getting off-topic!

So Voldemort and pals all scanned their tickets and entered the park. The security guards hardly glanced at them. After all, this was Disney World. Only Quirrel and his topsy-turvy turban would've been barred from that place. Voldemort and the other dunderheads plus Snape all trotted down Main Street, U.S.A. with looks of distaste on their faces.

"Why is everyone so...happy?" Crabbe asked, fidgeting subconsciously with his black cloak. They had all worn long-sleeved, black, unisex robes in the middle of Florida. These guys were totally a few tacos short of a combination plate.

"No idea," Dolohov responded.

"Can we go shop?" Narcissa asked, speaking for the first time that day.

"No!" Voldemort shouted. "Lord Voldemort says we shall all go on Splash Mountain!"

Everyone cheered, but not everyone was happy.

"I don't get this," Wormtail said once they were submersed in darkness on the log ride. "Why is everything all dark?"

"I don't know," said Snape, sarcasm dripping off his silky voice. "Maybe those two fat Americans that were in the line behind us are about to impale us with plastic forks from that hot dog stand, or perhaps something as absurd as that notion?"

"Dude, you're right! That's a scary thought! ...Aww great, Severus, you made me wet my pants!"

"Idiot."

Right behind them, Bellatrix embraced Voldemort chokingly. "Lord Sexymort, hold on the me!"

"And just why should I do that?" Voldemort question was answered as Bellatrix severed his restraints, leaving him no way to hold on as they plunged down the very deep, gigantic drop. "HOLY CANNOLIS!" Voldemort shrieked as he hung on to Bellatrix for dear life.

Down at the bottom, Bellatrix wrung out her hair with a animalistic grin as Voldemort brushed the water off of his bald head, glowering at his best lieutenant, who was incredibly infuriating.

In the background, two little boys were whining their tiny mouths off as their parents still refused to but them ice cream. A young couple was sitting on a bench, making out for all to see. Two blond teenage girls were shooting paintballs at the man in a Donald Duck suit as they sang that "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts." Security was nowhere to be seen.

Lucius glanced at the other group's pictures. Wormtail's urine stain was quite apparent as his mouth formed a screaming O, Snape looked bored out of his mind, and Voldemort, looking rather bullied, was clutching to Bellatrix for dear undead life.

Sighing beside him, Snape yanked out his cell phone and texted a short "What's up" to Dumbledore. He decided to look on the very bleak bright side: It couldn't get worse, right?

Nickel for every time I've heard someone say that...

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**Wolf: Cameos by the two main OC characters in the story! What will happen next? Will Draco find a girlfriend that detests him? Will Voldemort shake off Bellatrix? Will Wormtail realize he's an idiot? Will Snape go insane?**

**Only time will tell!**

**...That sounds kind of cliché.**


	5. Ali and Solar

**Wolf: Enter the two OCs! Mwuahahaha!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Harry Potter, Star Wars, **_**or anything of Disney/Disney World.**

**Chapter Five: Ali and Solar**

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"We should split into groups," Voldemort said as he and his Death Eaters sipped smoothies in the shade. "A group of twenty people just can't fit into one log ride!" Well, this was only one reason Voldy-Boldy-Banana-Nana wanted to be separated from most of the Death Inhalers...Truth to be told, Bellatrix was suffocating him. Poor wittle baby Dark Lord.

"I READ THAT!" Voldy-Boldy-Banana-Nana shrieked to no one in particular. "Anyways, I command everyone to split into groups!"

Snape immediately sprinted away, leaving everyone in his dust. He was free from the insufferable dunderheads! Said insufferable dunderheads stared at Snape's now vacant chair. "Okay then..." Bellatrix said slowly, then she giggled. "I'll be with you, Lord Sexymort!"

Voldy-Boldy-Banana-Nana whimpered a little, looking _very _pathetic. "No, I think I'll go with Lucius--"

"Nonsense!" the one known female Death Eater (Maybe the so-called Dark Lord was a sexist?) responded with a growl. "I can Crucio anyone in your way, so your can get your sexiness on the odd contraptions these Mudbloods have created."

Voldy-Boldy-Banana-Nana--"STOP SAYING THAT!"--mulled over this for a bit. Bellatrix had a point: Her skills with the Cruciatus Curse was unrivaled. She'd be useful (but annoying) to have around. "All right then, fine. Bellatrix, Lucius, Draco, and...err, Yaxley, will come with me!"

And so the imbecilic evil men (plus one lady) set off, completely unaware of what would happen very soon...

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_Minutes later..._

In the line for Space Mountain, Draco was tapping his foot impatiently. "This is lame! Father, you know I wanted to ride the Snow White ride!"

Lucius, snorting with disgust, smacked his son on the back of the head. "Why can't you actually be a man for once in your life?!"

Meanwhile Bellatrix was clawing at "Sexymort" while he attempted to shove her away. Yaxley stood between these two groups, feeling like a minor character. After a while, Lord Moldyshorts successfully managed to push away Bellatrix; he stomped in front of Draco and Lucius and began to mope, eavesdropping on the people in front of him.

"And the stock markets have been quite--"

Boring. Lord Voldemort did not enjoy the boring.

"Like, I totally texted him, and, like, he said--"

Ugh, valley girls. Lord Voldemort did not like valley girls (Even though he sometimes acted like on, the vain twit).

"You know, Ali, I really would like to shove that twit in front of us into a pile of platypus dung."

"Solar, we would stick out more than Quirrel in an airport if we did that. Besides, there are much better ways to spend our time."

Voldemort pricked up his ears. The very mention of Quirrel (For it had to be _his_ Quirrel. How many Quirrels that wore turbans could possibly exist?) had caught his attention.

"Fine then!" the voice of Solar replied. "But after this ride, we're getting snow cones."

"And the churros. DON'T FORGET THE CHURROS! SPOON!!!"

The business man in front of Voldemort, terrified of the insane conversation of the two girls, decided to evacuate the line. Voldemort finally had a clear view of the two teenagers.

The one whom had just been shouting about eating utensils (Ali), was average height, with messy blond hair in a ponytail and dark, wild eyes. She was wearing a black T-shirt, ripped blue jeans, ruddy tennis shoes, long, mismatched socks (One neon orange and another black with green polka dots), and a wolf pendant.

The second girl, whom he presumed was Solar, was a much taller and had dirt blond in a ponytail with mischievous blue eyes. She had on dark blue jeans, a dark red t-shirt, tennis shoes, and a shark tooth necklace.

Solar, sensing that someone was watching them, glanced around and caught Voldemort's eye (Figuratively caught his eye! That's be gross if it were literal). She pointed. "Oh my rhubarb pie, it's Voldemort!"

At this, murmurs of "Voldemort? Where?!" traveled through the queue, making the Dark Lord queasy. Was everyone here a witch or wizard?

"YOU DARE SPEAK HIS NAME?!" challenged Bellatrix, snatching up her wand, but Voldemort held his stalker back.

"Not yet, Bellatrix!" he said in his high, cold voice. Which was quite disturbing. Why would a guy have a high voice? You think an evil guy would have more of a baritone, like Darth Vader. HOO-PAH, HO-PAH. Then again, Darth Vader seemed to have asthma, so maybe not like him. All of these Dark Lords seem to have health problems (Or, in Voldy's case, problems with his soul). "How do you know Lord Voldemort's name?" he questioned, curious.

Solar grinned. "Oh, you know...We read a biography on a famous wizard in which you were the main villain."

Voldemort's nonexistent eyebrows shot skyward. "Oh really? And what would this biography be?"

"You really don't want to know..."

Draco was gaping at Ali. "Holy pastrami, she's hot!" Everyone except for the two girls gasped. Draco liked a girl?! My, my, this was a first!"

Ali rolled her eyes. "Get lost, Fluffy Ferret Boy."

Solar snickered. "Hey Alizarin, looks like you have a Junior Death Eater for a stalker."

"Don't call me Alizarin!"

"Sheesh, you sounded like Tonks..."

At the mention of her wayward niece, Bellatrix snapped. _"AVADA KEDAVRA!" _the psycho lady screeched. Ali and Solar dodged the curses she sent at them and sprinted away, the evil nincompoops hot on their tails.

Yaxley laughed to himself as he said to Lucius, "I don't know what drugs they're taking, but I want some."

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Ali and Solar darted into a nearby store. The scent of coffee wafted through the air. "Did we lose them?" Solar asked as she gasped for breath.

Ali glimpsed outside. "I think so," she said. "In the meantime, I smell coffee! Caffeine always helps me cook up a crazy scheme, so..." she trailed off, for Severus Snape was also hiding in the coffee shop, from the same exact people. "Let's all give a grape to Severus Snape!" she exclaimed. No idea where that came from.

At the mentioning of his name, Snape instinctively reached for his wand. However, it was not Voldemort standing before him, it was two unknown girls. "And who might you be?" he asked warily. Merlin's pants, if these two were dunderheads or rabid fan girls again--

"I'm Ali Wraith and this is my friend, Solar Woods," said the girl who had first said the Potions Master's name. He couldn't help but notice her long, mismatched socks. "You know, you were always my favorite character. Even in the movies, where they cut out half of your screen time--"

"Wait, what?" Now he was truly confused. Death Eaters were quite easy to understand, but teenagers were a different matter.

"Basically," said the girl named Solar. "We're also hiding from Moldyshorts and his dunderheaded Dung Eaters. We have quite a disadvantage, seeing how we can't use magic. Mind if we hide with you while we make a plan?"

Severus nodded. Finally, someone who understood the annoyingness of idiots! Still, he would like to know how they knew his name...and why they referred to him as a fictional character.

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**Wolf: Well, what did you think of Ali and Solar?**

**By the way, Solar was created by my friend XxRandom NemesisxX. I do own Alizarin, though!**

**There's a new poll on my profile! Please vote!**


	6. Rock and Roll is the Way to Go

**Wolf: Sorry it took so long to update. I've been trying to be on the computer less (it isn't working). So I've been rereading my HP books instead. This one kid in my class said "Wait, how many times have you read that book?" I understand why he said it, but come on! It was **_**Chamber of Secrets! **_**It's okay to read an amazing book over and over again!**

**Still, it's starting to get a little kooky. Almost all of my Facebook status updates are HP quotes. Anyways, I don't own **_**Harry Potter, Star Wars, **_**Disney or Disney World, Facebook, Universal Studios, or any of the songs in this story. The only thing I maybe own is Alizarin Wraith, since she's my OC. Solar Woods belongs to xXRandom NemesisXx.**

**Chapter Six: Rock and Roll is the Way to Go**

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"Has anyone seen Severus?" Narcissa asked. They were on a bus, heading to MGM Studios. Out of fear, the "normal" tourists hadn't wanted to remain on the same bus as the "freaks", so they had...evacuated. Which was quite fortunate. Otherwise we would have another tally on the body count, you know?

Lucius shrugged. "No idea. You know Severus, he's always trying to escape us, but no one knows why. What a loser!"

They had no idea...

* * *

"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears! It's a world of hope and a world of fears! There's so much that we share--"

"Would you stop singing that?!" Severus Snape shouted. Him, Ali Wraith, and Solar Woods had escaped to MGM Studios in desperate hope that Voldy-cheeks and his Dung Eaters would follow them there. Snape couldn't deal with the dark dunderheads' idiotic conversation anymore, Ali was easily ticked off by guys who hit on her and had to flee before she killed Draco, and Solar simply had nothing better to do. So the unlikely trio had chosen a new destination and had hopped on the first bus they spotted.

Solar continued to sing the song. "Oh, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small world after--"

"Stop that, you blabbering buffoon!" Snape rolled his eyes at the teenager. What was with these Americans and their oddities? Still, at least these two were better than the Dark Lord and his followers. Ali and Solar might've been nutty, but at least they weren't evil as well.

They walked past several shops and ended up in front of an odd ride called Star Tours. Severus made to keep walking until they found shelter at a restaurant, but Ali and Solar simply stood there, gaping at what looked like an enormous gray plastic box on stilts. "Oh my potatoes with extra cheese, it's STAR WARS!" So of course they had to drag Snape along.

To Severus's immense surprise, the ride wasn't that awful. In fact, everything had been going just fine for the double agent until they had gotten off. Then Ali and Solar decided they just _had_ to buy their own lightsabers. That had taken twenty of his precious minutes. Huffing in annoyance, he pulled out a cell phone and sent a message to Dumbledore. Oh, if only he knew the way around this infernal theme park, then he wouldn't have to deal with those two psychotic teenagers! Come to think of it, how did they know so much about the wizarding world if they weren't witches themselves? Heck, how did almost everyone recognize him and the others? He'd have to ask.

Afterwards, it was a unanimous vote for Rock 'N' Roller Coaster, which was at least a two hour wait. Severus decided to question their knowledge of the magical world. "So then, how exactly did you manage to recognize me, when you two are clearly Muggles? Keep in mind that I might wipe your memories."

Ali grinned. "Well, do you really want to know the answer? You won't like it. By the way, stay as far away from Nagini as you can."

"What? Why would I--"

"Dude, trust me. It could save your life!"

Snape rolled his eyes once more. "Just give me some answers!"

"Yes. No. Pie. Maybe. About 3.14. A house-elf in a mailbox. Kitten calendars. Dogs--"

"I wasn't asking about any of that!"

Solar smiled as she grabbed her toy lightsaber from her bag and twirled it around. "You never ask us general questions. It has t be specific and to the point, or else we'll try to make our responses as humorous as possible."

Groaning in vexation, Snape smacked his forehead. "Fine! How do so many people know about the magical world when you're all clearly Muggles!"

Solar snorted, holding back a laugh. "How do you know we're Muggles? Maybe I'm a wizard ninja who was sent by Grindewald to kill you. Or maybe Ali is an ex-con with a lightsaber and supernatural powers."

"Oh yes, because that's very likely," Severus sneered.

"It's about as likely as Draco Malfoy becoming the master of the Elder Wand, Harry Potter being a Horcrux, or Bellatrix Lestrange being killed by Molly Weasley."

Severus simply blinked, unsure of how to respond. What a load of nonsense! "Are you going to tell me or not?"

Solar sighed. "All right...The truth is, we're Seers."

"Liars."

"All right! It was worth a shot, though!" Solar moaned inside her head. _Great, now what should we say? _she thought to herself.

So Ali decided to tell the truth. "Okay the. We read a biography on a famous wizard. Somehow a Muggle found out about Harry Potter and wrote a series with his name as the title. It's now the bestselling series of all time."

Snape looked astounded. "What...but...that means..."

"Remeber what I said: Nagini, run like heck. Got it?"

"Err...how..."

"Aww," said Solar as they moved up in line. "We shocked Severus Snape. It's a record!

"But that's impossible!" Snape said, shaking off his astonishment. It had to be a lie!

But Ali opened up her backpack and pulled out a book with a very familiar name on it..."Look, here's my copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. _And paws off, Snape. I don't know what point of the story this is right now. Did Moldyshorts take over the Ministry yet? Did a Hogwarts teacher die?"

"Err...No..."

"Okay," Solar clapped her hands together. "So this is all during _Half-Blood Prince, _since Draco is a Death Eater. Anyways..."

"Finally! There he is!" said a high, cold voice. Snape, Solar, and Ali all froze. Voldemort shoved his way through the queue, with several people bristling in annoyance. "Severus! How come you did not wait for--YOU TWO AGAIN!"

Ali and Solar both simpered. "This isn't good..." Solar muttered.

"Look on the bright side," Ali replied. "After all of this is over, we can go to the Harry Potter theme park over at Universal. I'm sure Voldemort would love that."

"YOU DARE SPEAK LORD VOLDEMORT'S NAME?" said Voldemort.

"You dare speak in third person?" Ali retorted.

"Besides," said Solar. "You already got ticked off at us for saying that." She pulled out her toy lightsaber. Pressing a button, an emerald-colored plastic tube flew outwards and lit up. "Don't make me go Jedi on your skinny white butt!"

Laughing to herself, Ali also pulled out a blue bladed saber. But before anyone could curse or pummel each other, a bored attendant said, "Hey, you people! Get onto the ride or I'm calling security!" And he shepherded the Death eaters, fan girls, and Dark Lord onto the coaster. Before anyone could object, the car shot off, hitting sixty miles per hour almost immediately.

No one cared anymore about killing or girls or bacon (Yes, Wormtail was thinking about bacon). All they cared about was the Aerosmith music busting their eardrums, their hearts keeping time to the song. Bellatrix almost destroyed Voldemort's restraints again, but she resisted that particular temptation. Instead she tried making out with Moldybutt; ensnared in the awesome music, Voldemort let loose and started kissing Bellatrix.

The other Death Eaters were having quite the odd time. Lucius kept barfing over the railing every five to ten seconds or so; Narcissa was attempting to fist pump; Draco was terrified out of his mind; Wormtail and Crabbe were singing along to the music; Snape was entertained, though he didn't show it. Perhaps he would have enjoyed it much more were it not for Wormtail and Crabbe. Both of them sounded drunk. Ali and Solar had joined into the tiny little choir:

"_WASN'T ME SHE WAS FOOLING, 'CAUSE SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING! AND I KNOWED LOVE WAS HERE TO STAY WHEN SHE TOLD ME TO WALK THIS WAY! WALK THIS WAY! WALK THIS WAY! WALK THIS WAY!"_

Snape ground their teeth. Ah, how their singing grated his ears! This sucked!

_

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The ride finally ended. Promptly upon exiting, Lucius Malfoy vomited right onto Bellatrix's feet. Too happy to care, Bellatrix kept on strutting her way outside. Keeping slightly behind everyone, Ali and Solar trailed the Death Eaters, knowing their lives had just become way more interesting than ever. Come on, Death Eaters at Disney World? How much more random could you get?

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**Wolf: Only a few more chapters to go and the epilogue! Yes! Woot woot! What did you guys think of everything? The ending will hopefully be epic.**

**Anyways, I'm planning more HP stories after this one, so keep watching!**


	7. Dwindling Sanity

**Well, there's only a few more chapters left of this spiffy little story. Just thought you all might want to know that. i think there'll be one or two chapters after this one, then the epilogue.**

**I don't own **_**Harry Potter, The Princess Bride, **_**Disney or Disney World, or any of the songs/music artists mentioned in this story.**

**Chapter Seven: Dwindling Sanity**

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Voldemort and his Dung Eaters plus Snape had all trotted away from Rock n' Roller Coaster each of them craving the same thing: food. The contents of most of their stomachs had been emptied in a rain of vomit on that particular ride, and they were all ravenous.

"I want food!" whined Wormtail, practically sobbing, yearning for a scrumptious corn dog.

"What a surprise, tubby," muttered Lucius, who was still in the closet about his hunger. Never admit weaknesses as trivial as that! Idiot.

"How much Muggle money do we have left, anyways?" Narcissa asked. In reply, Draco held up their now-empty money bag. No one noticed Snape's hand twitch towards his pocket, where he had hidden fifty dollar for an emergency, such as buying a plane ticket to escape the insufferable dunderheads.

"Maybe we could beg for money?" suggested Goyle.

Another useful tip: Don't anger Voldemort when he is hungry. "_Crucio!" _The Dark, Deranged, Dumb Lord exclaimed, making Goyle collapse in agony, rolling across the street.

"So then..." Voldemort hissed. "Where next?"

"I'd recommend the Tower of Terror," said a familiar voice from behind them.

"Not you two again!" Lucius shrieked as Ali and Solar both halted in their walk, grinning. "I've had enough for you and your idiotic ruckus--Wait, is that food?" He pointed down at Ali and Solar's hands, which were holding churros. "Oh my Horcruxes and for the love of Salazar Slytherin! I DEMAND THOSE DELECTABLE PASTRIES!"

"Hey!" Solar shouted as she took another bite. "It's my churro, not yours! Paws off!"

"Yeah! Don't mess with our Mexican pastries!" Ali added.

Bellatrix let out a bloodcurdling shriek, vexed by the teenage girls and their pointless expressions. "Enough! I can't take it anymore! Shut up or I'll Crucio you on the spot!"

"You wanna know a secret?" said Solar, leaning in as her mien changed to a dark smirk. "we probably would kill you and Voldemort and destroy all of the Horcruxes right now, right here, but we're not going to mess with the time stream. we'll just let our old pal H. Piddy do all of the work."

_H. Piddy? _Snape thought, secretly vexed himself, though not by the two psychotic teens. _Merlin's pants, what other ridiculous names have they given Potter? _

"How dare you speak to me like that?" Bellatrix hollered.

"How dare you not bathe regularly?" countered Ali.

Livid, Bellatrix aimed her wand, planning to kill them all, but Voldemort intervened. "Not yet, Bellatrix! They could still be useful!" he addressed Solar and Ali. "Will you guide us through the park?"

Ali rubbed an imaginary beard in thought. "You mean help your and your Nazi cronies get through this park alive and...maybe...unscathed? Sure. And Snape, remember, giant snakes--"

"Run like heck," the Potions Master muttered, feeling slightly suspicious now.

"Then we're off!" Solar said happily. Her and her partner in crime shot each other significant looks. as if they'd actually help Dung Eaters without having some fun.

* * *

_A few minutes later..._

"And if you look to your left," Solar announced to the group, pointing at employees costumed as Mickey Mouse, Cinderella, and Donald Duck. "you'll see all of the character, who are absolutely dying to give you their autograph!"

"They also enjoy being hugged and told how they taste like chicken," continued Ali.

"And that you enjoyed your date with them last night."

"Did I mention that they taste like chicken?"

"Yeah, you can taste them and everything! It's permitted" It wasn't a lie exactly. No one ever wrote in a rulebook that you couldn't lick some dude in a duck suit and say they taste like poultry.

Both of them were barely concealing their snorts of hysterical laughter, Snape noticed. Oh, this wouldn't end so well for whoever believed them. But who'd be thick enough to believe them anyways?

As if in response to Snape's thoughts, Wormtail, Voldemort, and Draco all ambled up to the characters; Wormtail to Cinderella, Voldy to Mickey Mouse, and Draco to Donald Duck.

The chaos all began when Draco licked the Donald Duck's head. "Blech, he does not taste like chicken! That hot chick lied to me!"

"What the heck are you doing?" Donald howled. "Get off, you ruddy little rat!"

"No, I'm the rat!" Wormtail tried to explain, but to no avail. The Donald Duck man lashed out at Draco, sending the snooty, snotty Dung Eaters soaring towards a lamppost.

"Hey! Watch it!" Voldemort brandished his wand. _"Avada Kedavra!"_ The curse hit its target head-on, but the spell simply bounced off of the animal suit. What was this? How did these geniuses make themselves proofed against the Killing Curse? "Inconceivable!" At this point Cinderella b-slapped Voldemort in the face. Take that, Voldy! "Let's get out of here!"

No longer hiding their tears and laughter of mirth, Ali and Solar led the evil little snots away from the characters and towards their new destination: The Tower of Terror.

"I don't get this," said Draco once they got onto the ride and were buckled into their seats. "What's happening?"

Ali, the group's expert on Disney World, ignored him. "Did everyone go to the bathroom before getting on?"

A majority of the group shook their heads. "Why would we be required to do that? Did you two imbeciles pull another prank?"

"Of course not," Solar replied, smiling amiably. "But this ride might cause you to wet your pants. I call it the Peeing Machine!"

"I prefer Destination Urination," muttered Ali, so Bellatrix wouldn't hear her. Personally, Ali didn't like the idea of a premature death too much. She had _so _much more work to do.

"Well then..." Snape hissed to himself. Was he the only sane one remaining in this perilous party? And yes, that was a purposeful alliteration. See, even narrators need some knowledge of using good language!

Above their heads, numbers flashed by on the elevator. Then it all went dark. "I want my blankie!" cried Wormtail--and they plummeted downwards. Ali and Solar shrieked for fun, Bellatrix shrieked in fury for no apparent reason, Snape rolled his eyes in the suffocating darkness, and everyone else felt dreadful, for they had forgotten to use the potty before riding.

"ISN'T THIS INCREDIBLE!" bellowed Solar. Only Ali agreed with her.

After a minute or two of excruciatingly awful and humiliating torture, the ride ended. "Thank you for riding the Tower of Terror," said a cool, arrogant, female voice via a speaker. "We hope your enjoyed your time!"

"INCONCEIABLE!" Voldy screeched to the world.

"You keep using that word," said Snape. "I do not think you know what it means."

_Snape saw The Princess Bride? _Solar thought. _That's oddly convenient. When did Snape like anything to do with romance?_

"Fun? Muggles call this _fun?_" Lucius growled, gesturing at the urine stain on his cloak. Even Snape was laughing at this point, along with Ali and Solar, who were the only ones urine stain-free. "These Mudbloods are even more of idiots than I thought!"

"Well, then..." sighed Voldemort as Bellatrix assisted him in cleaning his soiled robes. "A show sounds nice and safe right now."

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**Well, the climax is almost here! What will happen? You'll find out soon enough! And by soon, I mean about ten days or so. Other priorities, you know?**

**Anyways, after this I'll be adding even more Harry Potter stories, so stay tuned, blah, blah, blah...Anybody wanna peanut?**


	8. Truly a Grand Exit

**This is the last chapter before the epilogue...Sorry it took me so long! I've had finals and various other impediments, you get the picture. **

**I don't own **_**Harry Potter, **_**Disney or Disney World, **_**300, Jimmy Neutron, **_**anything else affiliated with Disney, or any of the songs mentioned in this story.**

**Chapter Eight: Truly a Grand Exit**

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Urine stains all cleaned up, Voldemort and the Dung Eaters plus Snape and the trailing duo of Ali and Solar took their seats at the nighttime show Fantasmic! Though he did not show it, Voldy was secretly filled with apprehension: apprehension about the mysterious men in animal suits who could deflect his spells, apprehension about everyone knowing his identity, and apprehension about the state of his Horcruxes if everyone knew about them. Oh yeah, he was terrified of Bellatrix as well.

The show was about to begin. Around the group of evil losers plus three, children were running amuck and vendors were hawking their food, beverages, and assortments of bright light-up toys. Solar ended up buying one with Simba from _The Lion King _on the top, while Ali bought a whole bag of popcorn and munched it in Lucius Malfoy's ear, much to his vexation.

"It's starting!" Wormtail exclaimed.

"Would you stop saying that?" snarled Dolohov. "You've been saying that for the past twenty minutes!"

"This show usually allows tourists to take their seats an hour before the show starts," stated Ali matter-of-factly.

"How did you know that?" asked Draco amazedly.

Ali shrugged. "I know my Disney." She then slipped on a pair of sunglasses, which looked ridiculous to the Death Eaters. Of course, what did the Dung Eaters know, anyways?

"It's starting!" Wormtail repeated.

"Would you shut your dirty, infernal mouth?" Bellatrix howled, seething. "No one wants to listen to your senseless babble, and the show is NOT STARTING! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL SHOVE MY WAND-"

"Welcome!" a cool, female voice echoed through the outdoor theater, startling everyone. "This presentation will begin in just five minutes."

"It's starting!" Wormtail needlessly repeated. Bellatrix and Lucius smacked their foreheads.

Severus's eyes darted back and forth, looking for a route to freedom. Accepting his spying duty again, was he mad? Perhaps he had inhaled too many potion fumes, his brain must have been addled. Well, the only remedy was the experience of being at Disney World, of all places, with Voldemort and the Death Eaters, of all people. Even Potter would be better than this crowd!

On second thought, maybe Potter would be worse. He hoped he would never find out. even Ali and Solar, the two bizarre lunatics, were better company than the Dark Lord and Bellatrix! Come on, Bellatrix practically licked the ground her master walked upon! And then there was the sniveling imbecile Wormtail, the snotty brat Draco, and Lucius with his perfect bleached hair!

"Not to mention all of the other nameless idiots in this wolf pack that Voldemort Crucios on a daily basis," added Solar. Somehow she had guessed what he had been thinking.

"We need to get away from them," muttered Severus.

"Good idea," said Ali as she traced the rims of her sunglasses.

"Any ideas?" Solar murmured, wanting to ensure no one overheard.

"I have some plans," replied Severus.

"Let me guess about this tiny, little idea," said Ali quietly as she tied her hair back. "It's dangerous, insane, and probably illegal."

"Precisely."

"Wow, you really are a Gryffindor."

"Well yes, I-Hold on, _what!" _The others glanced up at Severus's explanation, but soon they lost interest.

"Ignore Ali," said Solar. "Now tell us the plan."

* * *

"Please enjoy the show," the cool, female voice spoke again as the lights dimmed. Just ahead of the crowd, a railing blocked off a small lake, which contained a small set consisting of a brown mountain and a small strip of land. This was the stage. As mist shrouded the lake, Voldemort clapped his hands in delight. "Good goody gumdrops! I hope the bad guy wins!" Just behind him, a mother of three children glowered at the troupe of monstrous, evil villains, but they paid no heed.

"Has anyone seen Snape?" Lucius whispered, noticing the Potions Master's absence.

"Those two Muggle chicks have vanished as well," Crabbe responded, puzzled. But then the show began, and they forgot all about the missing trio.

On stage, a masculine man in a purple suit was belting a tune as his workers chopped down poor, unfortunate trees. Voldemort was cheering the villains on, fist pumping and whistling, which rightfully earned him many dirty looks. Then Native Americans/Indians ambushed the working men and beat the crap out of some blonde guy, which a random person in the back said was named John Smith. Voldemort smiled evilly at the violence. He took a bite of popcorn. Evilly.

Before the Native Americans/Indians could kill John, though, a young Native American/Indian girl named Pocahontas intervened and saved him. This was all according to the script, but no one foresaw what happened next.

Out of nowhere Pocahontas was knocked off her miniscule ledge and plummeted towards the lake. Behind her, a teenage girl was shouting, "This is SPARTA!" much to everyone's shock. It was Solar, dressed in one of the costumes.

"What are you doing?" the John Smith actor yelled. "That's not in the script!"

At that point, their chatter was cut short as the fountains were turned on. The actors were now concealed behind the cascading water, leaving the audience quite bamboozled. What was going on?

The fountains died down, and Mickey Mouse was revealed to be standing next to a giant snake, kind of like a basilisk. Well, it was Mickey, the basilisk/snake, and Ali and Solar, who had sneaked up to the set. Severus sure hoped the duo knew what they were doing.

Voldemort stood up in his seat, frustrated. "That's it! _SERPENTSORTIA!" _he howled as he twirled his wand in the fake snake's direction. Then, to Ali, Solar, and Snape's horror, the snake was transfigured into a real basilisk. But the audience didn't know that. They thought it was just part of the show.

"Do something, Ali!" screamed Solar, while Mickey Mouse fled the scene.

"I don't know what to-wait, why do I have to do something?" Ali dived to the right as the basilisk snapped its fangs in her direction.

"You're the Gryffindor, not me!" Their words were magnified by microphones, so the audience heard every word.

"Oh thanks, Miss Ravenclaw. What good are your brains if you never use them?"

"Hey, you were almost a Slytherin. I don't think you have the right to tease me."

"Uh, hello? I'm being chased by a basilisk!" Ali cried as she sprinted up the mountain, while the basilisk slithering around the base, thirsty for her flesh. Which sounds so wrong and disgusting. "Why do we have to argue about our Hogwarts Houses now?"

Back in the audience, Voldemort was irate. "This show sucks! I want somebody to die!"

Ali and Solar, though, couldn't hear Voldemort, and they didn't want to. "Good point..." Unlike Ali, Solar was safely hidden in a small niche in the mountain, far from the basilisk's reach. "I suppose we could use a crucifix."

"As much as I like that idea, it seems too ironic."

"True. Maybe the basilisk can be killed by popcorn?"

"Oh please," replied Ali as she climbed up onto a rocky ledge, the basilisk nipping at her heels. "That's as pointless as the sealed room of love in the Department of Mysteries."

"And it's not like that room of love would do any good if it's locked."

"Yeah, what is it, the Love Shack? Folks lining up just to get-" At that moment the basilisk's writhed up to the ledge Ali was perched upon. She snorted, vexed, before looking down.

Solar knew what Ali was thinking. "Ali, don't do it!"

But it was too late. Smiling grimly, Ali leapt off the ledge and plunged down to the waters below, with the basilisk following in her wake. Solar heard a sickening crack before two loud splashes. "ALI!"

"I shall save my love!" Draco exclaimed, before sprinting towards the railings and, to Lucius's horror, jumping into the lake, mirrored by Solar.

The basilisk could not support itself in the deep lake, and it sank underwater, hopefully for good. Ali was floating facedown, a trickle of blood floating lethargically through the water. Draco decided to act romantic and, still keeping himself afloat, conjured a rose to hold between his teeth. Solar rolled her eyes at his idiocy as they both carried Ali to shore.

"I think we might have to perform CPR!" Draco said, trying and failing to conceal his grin.

"There is no way I'm letting you give mouth-to-mouth to Ali!" Solar snapped.

A sputtering noise interrupted their bickering as Ali woke up, gagging up water. She wiped a little blood off a laceration on her forehead. Then she began cackling madly. Draco backed away, about to pee his pants, while Solar asked, "Ali, are you alright?"

Ali blinked before crossing her eyes and giggling again. "I've never been better! I'm so happy! Let's go talk to Severus Snape, the super soupy sauce magnet! La di da, la da dee!"

Solar groaned. Of course Ali just had to develop a concussion! Their plan wasn't even past the first stage yet! "I wonder what Snape is up to..." she muttered.

"What about rape?" questioned Draco.

"I wasn't saying that, you sick, perverted freak!"

"_The love shack is a little place where we can get together!" _sang Ali, oblivious to all.

A short distance away, three security guards remained indecisive about what to do, torn between duty and amusement. Amusement won in the end, and they did not stop this ludicrous show.

* * *

Voldemort pouted. "This show sucks!" he munched on some popcorn. The Death Eaters fidgeted in their seats, including an irate Lucius Malfoy, who was too proud to jump after his son.

As for Snape, he had remembered the situation from earlier that day. Hexes could not breach the Disney character suits, after all, so it was wise to alert the characters about recent events... Once he told Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse, and Pluto this, he cantered down to Ali and Solar, satisfied with his work.

Bored, Bellatrix tickled Voldemort's chin, which was quite the vomit-inducing scene. "Voldy-poo, I'm bored! Can't we leave and go back to England?"

"I'll leave if you stay behind," he muttered.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing!"

"Who are they?" said Narcissa, pointing at a crowd of costumed characters approaching them.

The costumed characters came closer and closer-then Mickey Mouse punched Goyle in the face, and all heck broke loose.

* * *

Once Snape reached Ali and Solar, he realized something was wrong. For one, Draco was with them, and Draco always caused trouble for any girl he...how did people put it? Oh yeah, "had the hots for." Another thing, Draco and Solar were supporting Ali, who was bleeding from her forehead and was giggling, her eyes completely unfocused. He hissed in frustration. "What happened?"

"Ali killed a basilisk," explained Solar. "Then she got a concussion and has been acting rather oddly."

Ali cackled once more. "I'm loopy! I'm loopy! I'm loopy!"

"She killed a basilisk?" asked Severus, stunned. "I didn't think she had it in her."

"Well, she didn't exactly kill it, she just baited it by plunging thirty feet into that lake and nearly drowning herself in the process. I'm pretty sure the basilisk got skewered by some rocks or drowned or something."

"I'm loopy, I'm loopy..."

"Then Ferret Boy decided to be Prince Not-So-Charming and leapt after her, helping me pull her to shore. Honestly, I didn't need help, though. And especially not help from a rodent. Did you know the ferret is the weasel's cousin?"

"Are you implying I'm a cousin to the Weasleys?" Draco said demandingly.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"You little bi-"

"Language!" Severus shouted. "Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"It's Slytherin, Snape-a-doodle!" Ali mumbled.

"...Sorry. it's a habit."

"What is going on up there?" spoke Solar. Glancing up, Severus noticed several bursts of light, which were probably from curses. Still supporting an incoherent Ali, they headed up the hill and gazed upon quite a bizarre scene.

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse, and Pluto were all beating the snot out of Moldyshorts and the Dung Eaters. Hexes rebounded off the costumes and hit the Death Eaters instead. In the end, Bellatrix flung herself at Mickey Mouse, who was pummeling a shrieking Voldemort into the ground. Mickey fell, and Voldemort rose. "Death Eaters, we are leaving this forsaken place!"

Severus grinned as he ran with the others. Finally, it would all be over soon!

Draco lingered for a second. "Ali, my love, come with me!"

"Get a life!" a disoriented Ali replied. "I'm loopy! I'm loopy!"

Sniffling, Draco then fled in defeat, disappointed. Solar smiled at the retreating group. "Goodbye!" she called. "We won't miss you, except for maybe Snape, since he's not a total imbecile! We'll mail you guys!"

"I'm going to Hollywood!" Ali added.

"Sure you are," Solar said. "Come on, let's make a quick stop at the hospital, go home, get some rhubarb pie, and watch a movie."

"Like Harry Potter? Pothead? Potty? Pothole? Plot hole? Harry Hippopotamus? Fairy? Harold James Pot-"

"Are you kidding? Heck no. You must be more concussed than I thought, those movies are now nonfiction documentaries! I'm not watching that!"

Ali just giggled again, with the Death Eater's screeches still audible in the night. The doomful duo exited the now empty stadium, as Ali began ranting about corn on the cob and snowballs.

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**So...I'm not sure if I want to write an epilogue, so you guys decide! Also, vote on my poll, please!**


	9. Epilogue

**You asked for it...the epilogue! Here it is!**

**I don't own **_**Harry Potter, **_**Disney, or Solar Woods.**

**Epilogue**

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Albus Dumbledore's Floo flared luminescent green as Severus Snape gracefully stepped out of the fireplace, looking irked. Dumbledore beamed at his faithful spy. "Welcome back, Severus! How was the trip?"

The Headmaster's irritating cheeriness just served to vex Severus further. "It was a disaster, Albus! There was those horrid rides, Bellatrix was a moronic stalker, Draco acted too feminine, and Voldemort was just a total nightmare! Then those costumed characters obliterated the Death Eaters, and Wormtail never shut up!"

Dumbledore just beamed even more at Severus, amused by it all. "Severus, you've been through worse."

"Worse? Nothing is worse than that! I had to ride It's a Small World twenty-six times with Wormtail and Lucius, with Lucius braiding his hair the whole time and Wormtail singing along to the music!"

"Severus..."

"I'm not even at the worst part yet, Albus! Then those two blasted psychopaths tell me that I'm a fictional character!"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "In what series, Severus?"

Severus was fuming. How could the old man not understand? "Apparently there is a series named for Harry bloody Potter and his dunderheaded adventures! And apparently...Albus, how did you know it was a series?"

Dumbledore beamed _again_, which bothered Severus to no end. "I read the series of course!"

Severus groaned in realization. So that was why the old coot seemed omniscient! Before Severus could reply, a tapping on the window intervened. "Albus, there's an owl outside."

Opening the window, Dumbledore retrieved a large barn owl. The owl looked battered, as if it had flown across an ocean to reach Hogwarts. As Severus peered into its eyes, he also noted its apparent fatigue. Once Dumbledore plucked the letter off its leg, the owl collapsed onto the floor.

"It's for you," said Dumbledore as he handed Severus the letter.

Puzzled, Severus opened the letter. As he perused it, his expression grew more and more exasperated, until he finally finished and thrust the letter onto Dumbledore's desk.

_Dear Severus Snape/The Potions Master/The Half-Blood Prince/Princess Cuddles McFluffigan,_

_Before you go on, please consider changing your name to that last moniker. It's quite fitting!_

_First of all, we would like to say that no one other than Ali and your Dung Eaters were injured during the Disney World Incident. That's what we've been calling it, anyways. We managed to send you this owl! Solar had to wrestle it from a tree and tie this letter to its leg. If this reaches you, then owls are pretty darn brilliant. But we already knew that._

_If you have any questions involving Voldemort's Horcruxes, the Deathly Hallows, or the HP series, send us an owl! We'll be watching..._

_Oh yeah, if Nagini attacks, run like heck! But you already knew that, didn't you?_

_Your royal pains in the butt,_

_Ali and Solar_

_P.S. Ali still has some head trauma issues. She was the one who wrote the Cuddles McFluffigan thing._

_Actually, it was Solar. My head is fine now._

_Ali, your head has never been fine! It's gigantic!_

_Shut up!_

_I can't shut up, I've never been talking! This is a written message, duh! You're so stupid sometimes!_

_Obviously! It's your job to be the genius, not mine! You're the Ravenclaw, while I'm the Gryffindor. Besides, I didn't see you baiting a basilisk._

_Oh, that's it! _

At that point in the letter, several scribbles were etched on the paper, as if Ali and Solar had been fighting.

Though Severus could see the benefits of having two Americans supplying him with information, he wasn't sure if he could deal with their idiocy.

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Harry plopped down at the Gryffindor table, up bright and early. He had been having horrible dreams lately, all involving Voldemort at some brightly colored theme park with his Death Eaters. Two teenage girls had been there as well, always acting annoying and hyper. Harry smiled. In his nightmares, Draco was a priss, Bellatrix stalked Voldemort, Wormtail was a pain, and Snape hated them all. It was quite hilarious.

Glancing over at the Slytherin table, he noticed none of them were up yet. However, one bulging book was perched atop the table. Quickly Harry summed up the situation. o one else was up yet, not even the teachers, and there was a random, suspicious-looking book on the Slytherin table. If it was a book on the Dark Arts, then Harry would be saving many lives by confiscating it! Grinning, he tiptoed over to the Slytherin table and swiped the book. As he sat down at the Gryffindor table, he snickered and opened the book- and gaped at its contents.

These were pictures of his nightmares. In one photo, Voldemort, Draco, and Wormtail were posing and waving next to costumed characters, while others portrayed the Death Eaters on a log ride. Voldemort was clinging to Bellatrix, his restraints gone, Wormtail was peeing his pants and shrieking like a girl as his face was splattered repeatedly with water, and Snape kept rolling his eyes. In fact, they were all acting quite natural to Harry.

He flipped through the pages in disbelief. How was this possible? Perhaps Draco's mother had carried a camera and took pictures the whole time? It seemed to be the most likely scenario. His nightmares had really been visions! Wait until he told Ron and Hermione!

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**That's the end...How sad. It sure took longer than I thought! Anyways, I'm going to publish two stories coming up. One will be a fic where Harry and Snape switch bodies, and another will be a Star Trek fic (I don't own Star Trek) where Spock is the only "normal" one on the Enterprise, which causes him to argue with everyone else.**

**Thank you for the reviews! And thanks to XxRandom NemesisxX, who gave me a few ideas along the way and also created Solar Woods!**


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